I return home - hell

I spent a few days just hanging around the outside of Rockies trailer. On the drive back to town she barely looked at me but once and never spoke. She smoked and drove until we got to town. She never asked "where to?" she just dropped my ass off at the entrance to the ramp and took off. But this allowed me to see where she went.

This "town" is a cluster of very old houses, about fifty, and a large ring of trailer homes around the houses in an arc. That's it. No one really knows why they were here, but some think they were abandoned homes that workers stayed while mining or something. This makes sense as there is no running water, no electricity, and no mail, or services of any kind. Most people have lanterns, candles and fire pits for light. A few have generators. At the moment I had nothing. The house I was in was deteriorating rapidly. The roof was blowing off bit by bit when the wind picked up. The front door was warped and didn't close. Half the windows were broken and there was debris all around. All I ever really had was some lawn furniture and a ton of crap left by my parents. The lawn furniture was useful so I was aware of it, but the rest of the stuff was just piles and piles of seemingly garbage. I spent most of my time in the front room sitting in the lawn chairs and sleeping or simply trying not to go insane. I knew I needed to do something but was empty and clueless as to what to do – I was paralyzed in hell. The only things that let me know I was alive was the rising and setting of the sun and the train passing by outside of town.

The train runs frequently past our town and cuts across the interstate a few miles out of town. On the other side of the interstate from us is nothing but flat endless desert. I spent a few weeks bumming food off neighbors, but the pickings were slim. I spent the rest of my time staying around Rockies trailer. I had to hover around the northern side because her dad had a gun and a temper. There are a lot of bitter and desperate people here, but he was one of the most bitter. After a while Rocky walked up to me out of the blue and asked me what the f*** do I want. I didn't know what to say.

Out of nowhere my mind snapped and I said I want out of hell. She cocked her head sideways and looked almost like she was smiling. I will never forget this moment in my life as it was the moment my life changed – no the moment it started.

Next: The plans are laid

A new town - bigger

I walked for eight hours to get to the next town.

A new and bigger town, but not by much - 2,300 people. But here there are some businesses, people coming and going. I wander the streets looking for something but I don't know what. I am hungry so I eat, I am tired so I sleep in the booth, I am bored but what do I do? After an hour I am asked to leave by the manager, so I do. I window shop for hours looking at nothing.

The sun is setting and it is getting colder - the wind blows in fast from the darkness as the sun drops. I am feeling lonely for the first time in my life - not alone because I like that, but deeply lonely. I need to get home. I don't want to hitchhike so I go back to the bus station, nothing more than a sign next to the gas station in the center of town. There is no schedule, no bench, one light and a lot of time to kill. I have never felt so miserable in my life. I didn't know what to do. I guess I should have simply waited, but not me - I started walking. And I didn't walk towards home, I push myself away towards the dark unknown.

I wasn't ready for this trip at all. I had nothing, no money and no plan. What I did have was the ability to not care. I walked all night to keep warm and for lack of anything better to do. As the sun came up I saw ---- nothing. I was in the middle of nowhere. I did come across a rest stop and lay on a table for an hour. A family stopped for a minute and a cop drove by but surprisingly didn't talk to me. I was wondering what I should do and suddenly realized I was a dumb ass for getting myself here. I stood, crossed the highway, and started back. That's when I decided to hitchhike - a trucker stopped and took me back to the town I had come from. I had walked for hours but the ride back took From there took minutes. The trucker tried talking to me but I was pretty sullen. I thanked him and jumped out and went back into the diner. There I spent my last few bucks on some food and started back up the road. That's when she stopped, a girl from my town. A few years younger and really cute. She had one of the few vehicles in town. She recognized me and stopped. An answer to a prayer in more than one way.

This girl was the reason I left this town shortly after this first aborted attempt at leaving and came back years later. Her name was Rocky. Rocky was the nickname given to her by her cousins because she was a goth and wore dark makeup and clothes. They said it made her eyes look like a raccoon's - Rocky Raccoon. Anyway she lived with her father, a disabled vet who never left his trailer. Her story is an interesting one and it started years before we met.

Next, I return home and soon after board it up.